


Perhaps, If Only.

by throughscentandtouch



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Sort Of, Sort of a love triangle not rlly, gralu but only if you squint, im bad @ writing angst sry, real life AU, tagging is hard, technically nali but we dont go into it much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 04:37:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18336323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughscentandtouch/pseuds/throughscentandtouch
Summary: Lucy Heartfilia lived in a boring world. Wake up, school, eat, school, Judo, eat, homework, sleep, repeat. Natsu Dragneel just happens to enter that world. Life goes on. But for a little while, just a little, everything feels like it could go on forever. Whether that's good or bad, Lucy isn't sure anymore.





	Perhaps, If Only.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi so  
> Yeah this is sort of a confusing story and I wrote it in like half a day so...  
> Also, unbeta'd  
> Sorry if there's any mistakes but its like 2 AM so ya imma sleep now

Natsu Dragneel was a third-year in high school. A transfer student into class 3-B, surprisingly despite the seeming amount of stupidity he held.

Lucy was surprised when she first saw him, since his bright red hair was such a contrast to the more subdued colors of hair in her classroom.

But he sat down next to her and he grinned so brightly that she was startled for a second, and she smiled back.

For the duration of the class, he would send her confused looks when he didn’t understand (which was quite often, especially in History), make weird faces to mock the teacher’s drawling voice, and even dared to pass her a note in Maths to get the equation that he missed while napping.

Lucy had no clue who this boy was, but he seemed friendly enough, and even though the thought crossed her mind that he was definitely not supposed to be in class B, she realized during English and Chemistry that he had the capacity to be smart, he just didn’t care in other classes.

It sort of made Lucy giggle when she saw him struggle to understand a simple algebraic equation but somehow instantaneously explain to an entire class how a biochemical equation works in the natural world.

Lucy and Natsu would frequently talk to each other, and Natsu clearly made a conscious decision that he would frequently sit next to her in classes he had the most trouble with, whereas she excelled, they became good friends quickly.

Soon enough, Lucy, Natsu, Lisanna, and Gray were sitting at lunch together every day, talking and laughing like normal high schoolers, and like Natsu had been there all along.

Even when Lucy was in bad spirits, all it took was a grin from Natsu and a quick “Cheer up, Luce! You can do it,” to get her going again. Lisanna and Natsu were keen to make fun of her frequent mood swings.

Her little mood swings were minimized, the damage from people pissing her off was minimized even more, and Lucy’s best friends were all eternally grateful to Natsu for being able to deal with her temper tantrums.

Natsu even joined the same club as Lucy and Lisanna, the Judo club. Whenever Lisanna could tell that Lucy wasn’t feeling the best self-esteem wise, she would call Natsu over, who would grin, tell her that she could do it, and Lucy’s determination would be restored once more.

Lisanna had known Lucy since she was 8, after all, so it was only natural that she had the most experience in dealing with Lucy’s weird emotions. Apparently, Lisanna had figured out that the easiest way to pacify Lucy other than buying her a ton of food after practice was to get Natsu to encourage her.

Lucy realized that she was in love a little late. It was only after Gray started teasing her about crushing on Natsu (not seriously, of course, he’s not  _ that _ mean) that she started to think of Natsu as possibly more than a friend.

Lucy didn’t like the feeling of being jealous. When the other girls in her class would hang off Natsu for being muscular, or approach him for ‘tutoring’ in Science and English, she would pretty easily get ticked off. But normally she just didn’t say anything.

Eventually, Lucy got really tired of just not saying anything about her feelings. They were making her academic performance worse, since her thoughts drifted constantly to Natsu, and even though her Judo was definitely taking a turn for the better, her father didn’t approve of her slightly lower grades than usual.

Even though Jude didn’t like the idea of her grades getting worse  _ or _ Lucy getting a boyfriend, Lucy had decided that she was going to confess to Natsu. Even if she didn’t like him in the end, she knew they could still be friends as long as she was mature about it, and she understood that keeping her feelings all to herself would probably be the least good idea here.

She planned to do it on Friday, after Judo, so that Natsu would have time to think it over, or so that she could have time to heal.

Her journal, the private one not the one for writing stories, was full of her thoughts and emotions, all orbiting around Natsu and the confusion and color he brought into her life. It was a journal Lucy had started in her first year of high school, and now in third year, it was finally full of thoughts about a crush. (She had never had one before.)

On Friday afternoon, Lucy walked to Judo practice without Natsu, Lisanna, and Gray. She had no idea where the two were, but her veins were pumping with adrenaline, and her heart was beating fast, and her mind kept on worrying, but she told herself, ‘It’ll be fine.’

Judo practice starts at 3:10 PM. Lucy got there at 3:09.

Natsu and Lisanna got there at 3:15.

At first, she was going to chastise them as club president for being late, but then the two slid open the door, both blushing furiously and looking anywhere but at people, and Lucy was confused.

And then she saw their clasped hands. And it hit her like a bag of bricks, Natsu and Lisanna are dating. A thousand thoughts flew through her head in mere seconds.

Of course, they’re dating. Everyone thought they would date, everyone. Of course, they like each other, they spent practically all of Judo together trying to get Lucy’s teenage feelings together. And how did Lucy not see it before?

The glances and blushes during lunch, the brushing arms and shoulders, the hesitant smiles and sharing water bottles - Lucy should have  _ seen  _ it.

But she just assumed. She assumed that Lisanna, her childhood best friend of 9 years, knew that Lucy was in love with Natsu. Lisanna always knew what Lucy was thinking.

But that’s not true. Lisanna didn’t know, and how could she have known? How could Natsu or Lisanna have possibly known that Lucy Heartfilia was hopelessly in love?

The blonde’s smile radiated warmth and happiness as the new couple walked into the Judo room. “Aaand, here’s the couple! Finally, after all this time,” the corners of her eyes wrinkled as she grinned, as if she was happy. Which she was.

A round of applause and shouts of agreement with Lucy’s statement circulated the room. “Haha, I thought they’d never get together,” people agreed.

Lucy hugged the two to death and grinned. Then she kicked Natsu in the stomach. “You had better take care of my best friend, got it!?” A round of laughter as Natsu ‘oof’ed.

The room calmed down a bit after that, and Lucy looked down, smiling to herself with a hint of bitterness. Lucy was an actress, though, and a damn good one if her father had any say in paying for all those acting lessons, and she knew that she currently radiated warmth and contentedness.

Lisanna, ever the good friend, could tell though. She could tell when her best friend was acting. She could tell that Lucy was down.

So, as Lucy grabbed her water bottle during the small interval between her next spar, Lisanna called Natsu over to cheer her up.

“Hey, Luce!” he grinned, “Let’s fight next!”

Lucy smiled happily, nodding. And he was satisfied with that. And practice continued.

Lucy knew that Lisanna knew something was up. And Lucy didn’t want Lisanna to pry, but also she would be a bad idea if she stupidly avoided Lisanna and Natsu like an amateur. 

“Lu?” Lisanna approached her best friend in the locker rooms, as the two changed back into their school uniforms.

“Yeah?”

“... What’s wrong?” Lisanna’s eyes were concerned, sky blue eyes focused on Lucy with sincerity.

Lucy sighed. What to do now? She was kind of out of ideas at this point. “It’s nothing, Li,” she smiled, slipping on her socks. “Come on. I want to get melon bread at the corner store.”

Lucy knew Lisanna knew something was up. But they only got melon bread after practice when something was seriously wrong and despite the fact that technically nothing is seriously wrong and Lucy is technically fine, she wanted melon bread now.

Lisanna doesn’t ask Lucy when they go for melon bread. Lisanna lets Lucy open up on her own, and it usually works. Especially because these kinds of things are usually about her father.

And Lucy knows she has successfully thrown Lisanna off the trail to find her feelings because Lisanna’s eyebrows furrow in worry, and she makes that face that shows she’s angry but only to people who really know her. And she only uses that face with Jude.

Lucy and Gray have to walk home with Lisanna and Natsu being a couple. They aren’t gross and mushy, as Gray tells them not to, because Lisanna is too considerate about Lucy’s feelings. And she easily clues Natsu in to the fact that Lucy is feeling worse than usual and it won’t do to just grin and say ‘you can do it’ this time.

When Lucy buys them all melon bread, she goes to sit in the swing at the park across the corner store. Lisanna sits in the one next to her, and Natsu sits in front of them. Gray leans against the poles holding up the swings next to Lucy.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lisanna asks gently.

Lucy shrugs noncommittally. What should she talk about? Not her feelings, that’s for sure. Maybe about how her dad got angry at her for getting a B+ in History? Yeah, that sounds good.

“My dad got angry at me for getting a B+ in History.”

Gray snorts. “Seriously? I’d be lucky to get a grade that high in such a stupid class.”

Natsu nods. “Mm. I hate history.”

“Lu, you know that doesn’t mean you’re not smart or something,” Lisanna frowns in irritation at Jude. “He’s never satisfied with your grades.”

“Well is there something different about this time?” Natsu asks. “If he never likes your grades, why is this one so much worse?”

“Because it’s a B, flame-brain,” Gray rolls his eyes.

“That’s not what I meant!”

“I know… I don’t know,” Lucy leans back in her swing, melon bread in her mouth. “Just because there’s been a distraction and it’s sort of my fault I guess. It’s not like I would be getting this bad grade if it hadn’t been for the stupid distraction.” Well, it's not exactly a lie.

“Distraction?” Lisanna looks to Lucy. “I… haven’t noticed anything different.”

Lucy sighs. “Yeah, I know. Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it taken care of.” That’s a blatant lie.

“Are you sure?” Gray furrows his eyebrows. “If this thing was enough to put even you off of studying, shouldn’t we be worried?”

“Nah. You guys are fine,” Lucy closes her eyes. It’s already dark out, so it doesn’t make much of a difference, but if she closes her eyes it sort of feels like nothing really changed. “Anyways, I should get going before Dad notices I’ve been out for too long.”

The friends said their goodbyes, and Lucy went home to think.

‘ _ It’ll go away, _ ’ she thought. ‘ _ I’ll be fine.’ _

But every day after that weekend, she looked at Natsu and had the same feeling in her stomach, and she looked at Natsu and Lisanna and had the same feeling in her throat, and she knew that she wasn’t going to be fine.

Lucy wasn’t going to ruin a perfectly awesome relationship by stabbing her own feelings into it. No way. Especially not some of her best friends, what kind of person would she be?

_ It’ll be fine _ , Lucy thought as she walked alone to the corner store. They didn’t have practice today, but Lisanna and Natsu had cleanup duty.

“You ok?” Lucy jumped, startled, and turned around.

“Gray? What-” she processed his question. “What do you mean?” she sounded genuinely confused.

“Hmm. Sure, play dumb,” Gray cracked open a can of coke. “I mean, if it ain’t obvious by now, you clearly have a thing for Natsu.”

Lucy laughed. “Come on, stop with that joke. Li and Natsu are dating now, remember,” she raised an eyebrow and kicked him lightly in the shin. The two walked across the narrow street, resuming their usual positions on the swingset.

Gray raised an eyebrow and looked down at her. “Sure, whatever you say.”

Lucy sat in silence on the swing. She leaned back, raising her legs slowly. Gray clearly knew. And she wasn’t quite as panicked as she thought she would be. 

“They’re a good couple. Good for each other,” Lucy thought out loud.

Gray hummed. “Mm. Good for each other, sure. Good for you? Nope.”

Lucy laughed, a little bitterness showing through.

“Careful, Ms. Gold-Star-Actress, your feelings are showing.”

“On purpose,” Lucy bit back. “... I can trust you.” There was finality in her voice, a sureness that made Gray’s eyes widen for a moment.

“So. You admit it?”

“Ha, yeah. How’d you figure it out? Even Lisanna doesn’t know,” a smile graced her lips, sharply contrasting with the dryness of her words. Without hearing the dialogue of the conversation, one would think they were talking about her favorite food.

“Hm. Back when I first started teasing you about having a crush on Natsu. Guess you didn’t recognize your feelings or somethin’ then, so you didn’t hide them as well.”

“Ah. I guess,” Lucy nodded.

“How long ‘til you get over it?”

“Probably a while. But even if Natsu and Lisanna get married in two years,” Lucy smiled, small, gently, subtly, “I would love them just the same.”

Gray raised an eyebrow. “Love, huh? Both of them?”

Lucy hummed her affirmation, looking up to the sky. “Li’s my best friend. I could never hate her.”

“... Huh. I sorta understand I guess.”

“Yeah… that’s alright.” Lucy’s smile slipped off her face. “It’s alright,” she quietly told him. “I’m alright.”

Gray said nothing. He picked himself up off the swing pole, eyes closed. “You should have found someone else to love.”

Lucy laughed, light yet heavy, full of emotion, a breathy and genuine laugh. “Perhaps. If only.”

“Yyyup. If, only.”

~.o0o.~

 

4 years passed by, and Lisanna and Natsu really did get married. Lucy was the bridesmaid, and Gray was the best man. The theme (Gray burst out laughing when he heard it, constantly teasing them about their hair for weeks later) was red and white roses.

Lucy still hadn’t started dating anyone else, but the years spent apart at different colleges did certainly help the process of moving on.

What also helped was that Gray went to the same college as her, and was there to support her for the whole journey.

Lisanna and Natsu hadn’t found out about Lucy’s feelings for Natsu, and it certainly did make her heart twinge a little when she saw her friends kiss at the altar, but what overwhelmed that was the immense joy she felt for them.

And when Lucy shed exactly 6 tears at that wedding, well, no one needed to know that 2 of them were for what perhaps, if only, had happened.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for making it through this dense crap oof.  
> <3


End file.
